Day 146: Famous Last Words: Prepare Yours Ahead of Time

I want to leave this world with something profound.  Something like "Don't be afraid to do something stupid, you grow from the embarassment."  But this is how I actually see my death:

I am laying nestled in Michelle's arms and she softly cries over me.  Her sobs are slow as she is trying to hide them.  She wants to be strong, but it is just too hard.  I feel the warmth coming from her and remember when I felt warmth.  I slowly lift my weak head and stare into her blue (?) eyes.  I muster the breath and say, "I raged, bro."

Day 145: Start An Urban Legend And See How Far It Goes

New medical condition:  spastic vagina

Treatment:  Have someone rub feathers on your vagina while you sleep

Now I just wait for it to explode!

Day 142: Senseless Day- Taste

Totally noticed I skipped this day. Oops.

So a day without using the sense of taste.  I thought it would be easy since I'm supposed to be sleeping in a car to St. Joe right now, but that got cancelled last minute.  I decided to eat minimal today (hard for a hungry girl).  So I had a bowl full of homemade pseudo rice krispie treats (when reading a recipe read the whole recipe.  Someone forgot the marshmallows) and a cheeseburger from Wendy's.  I tasted them but I'm pretending not to.  Now off to drink Rumchatta with Erin!

Day 143: Distibute Friendship Coupond

I realized the other day that I should be finishing up in a few days and I am no where near done. It kind of reminds me of that thesis I was supposed to have done in Decemeber.  I figured it's one or the other.  So blogging I chose. 

One thing has changed however.  I cut my hair.  No one has seemed to notice, but since I did it myself I am quite proud.

So today I was supposed to hand out friendship coupons.  Considering it's the day after Christmas I'm not seeing anyone but Michelle, so I decided to text a few instead.

I sent Sheryl

 

 

because she hates to be hugged.  In fact, she hates to be touched.  Don't worry, Sheryl,  I will be cashing in on this one.

 

 

 

 

Went to Emily.  Emily, here's your advice:  In less than a week it will be 2013, meaning 2007 was 6 years ago.  Hopefully you know what I'm getting at and welcome to the digital age.

 

I figured this

 

 

 

 

was good for Jessica since she's about to pop out her 7th child.  But Jessica refuses to give me her phone number so I sent it to her husband instead.  "U r going to take her on a drunken binge?" I responded with "duh."  and then sent him this:

 

 







Day 141: Today Build a Nest and See if a Bird Comes...

Building a nest takes forever!!!! I will post on this if I ever finish!

Day 140: Jam the Line

So a few days ago J I was supposed to jam the line of the Ku Klux Klan.  I realized tonight that I always stop blogging when I get to a task that I don’t want to do.  I don’t want to do this.  It’s scary and stupid.  What if they find me and try to kill me?  My parents are Catholic afterall.

Day 139: Bleed

So I was supposed to bleed in the book a week ago.  I have been hoping to bleed on my own because the whole thought of doing danger to myself makes me ill.  I am too pretty to cause actual harm to me.  I did ask my boss to stab me and she said yes, but has yet to deliver.  James whipped out a pocket knife the other day and I asked him to stab me.  He just looked at me like I was nuts.  I thought he would’ve jumped at the chance, but he did not.  So I asked him to cut the tumor off my leg.  He informed me it was an ingrown hair and he was not using his knife on my nonsense.  If I bleed, you will see it.

 

Next day (was in class when I wrote this, had to actually pretend to do something):  of course I bleed, a lot, when I can’t find the book. 

Day 138: Today Learn a New Know

Just in case anyone wants to know what nightmares other cheeses cause

Day 137: Does Cheese Really Give You Nightmares?

Day 137

Today's task is an overnight task.  Please do not be alarmed that this is the only post today.

Day 136: Invent a New Color

Today, dream up a new color of your own, and contact your lawyers.

I did.  This is what they sent back:

US PATENT

 

This patent is hereby issued to Jennifer Rohrer on this day, fourth of September in the year two-thousand and twelve for her ingenious creation of “Razzle Dazzle Super Frazzle Green.”  The United States of America and the entire scientific community appreciates the contribution of this creation to the lexicon of knowledge..[1]

---

[1] This document in no way imparts any rights, responsibilities or privileges to the above individual or the United States Government and is intended for entertainment purposes only.

 

Don't worry, I did inform my "lawyer" that this is not a proper patent.

Day 135: Continued

I went to my parents house to tell them I love them.  I brought them a cake and a balloon and each a bag of peanut M&M's, cause I always eat their peanut M&M's.

Just Realized, This Is Day 135: Today Make Sure Your Parents Know You Love Them

I called my parents today to tell them I loved them.  They never called me back.  I'll bring them a cake tomorrow.  And besides, I saw those bums yesterday.

Day 133: Subtext Day.

Today read between the lines as people talk to you.

A few book examples (because I know you all love the book examples)...

Hi!
Shit!

How are?
Who are you?

I'm very well thanks, very well indeed.
Ask me how my career's going.

Fine, yeah, they made me account director actually.
Yes yes yes! I'm better than you.

Here's my number
Here's the number of a dry cleaner in New Jersey.

See you soon!
Drop dead.


So... I learned when my dad says, "Oh, I'm so glad you stopped by."  What he really means is "Didn't we just get rid of you?"

My mom saying, "Sure you can work on your bed in our basement," is actually "You're keeping me up sawing when you have a freakin' place of your own.  Go home."

They must think on the same wavelength cause when Dad says, "make this your last cut." Meaning, "I'm sick of holding this stupid piece of wood.  Why did you not invest in proper clamps.  My wife is trying to sleep.  I'll pretend to be considerate."

Other things I read were...

Sure you can have a Magnum Bar
Aren't you in a fat bet cause that's going straight to your ass.

I'm ready to come home
I'm ready to come home, but please don't move into my basement.

Mark doesn't have any pallets.
Why does she keep asking ME where to get stuff.  Doesn't she have a lot of free time on her hands.  Afterall, she has time for a blog (I read that through a text message).

You're like a sister to me so, I'm going to interrogate whoever you're dating.
You are really good at dating idiots or you have an excellent picker.

And when Courtney says "you're smelly and stupid."  She means, "take a bath and you're stupid." No subtext with that one!

Day 132: Continued

Day 132: Lucky Number Day

Today I learned my lucky number is 12.  Good to know!  So I decided to play tonight's powerball and use multiples of 12 for my numbers.  Oh yeah, and 01 and 02 because side by side they are 12!

I cannot wait to be 80 million dollars richer.  I can maybe buy that bed, or even pay student loans!  No, I think I'll buy my bed.

Day 131: Defy Heirarchy

I did.  My other boss Leslie, gave me the most confused look when I stared her straight in the eye and said, "No.  I am not playing a game callled Smart."

For those curious people.  I gave in and played.  But I did make a left turn when I did not have the right of way.

Day 130 and Another Day

I know most of you probably panicked when I didn’t blog yesterday.  You were probably thinking that dumbass has gone and quit again.  Have no fear, I needed a day. 

 

So as a bonus, I’ll do what I thought was todays (oops, opened to the wrong page this morning) AND yesterdays, mainly because today’s task seems impossible for me.  Day 131: Today Hack Into a Computer Network.  Really?  Hack into a computer network?  They didn’t even give directions.  How the hell am I supposed to hack into a computer network?  I can barely turn a computer on.  Ask my boss, she’ll tell you.  Do you know how many times she’s had to teach me how to use Microsoft Outlook?  Or what about all the times someone had to show me how to fax?  That’s similar to a computer.  I mean, she stopped giving me computer related assignments and now just has me file, and since I suck at filing, I think that’s a blatant f you when it comes to computers.  I did log onto a website for retaining walls and tried to hack into that, but I didn’t know where to begin. 

 

Yesterday Day 130 I was to write a letter to the newspaper to gain a high position.  Hopefully this will lead me to becoming a mayor or something big.  I have always wanted to be a senator.  Dwight Eisenhower started his political career complaining about how pricy corncobs were. So what can I write to make me gain this high position?  It has to be something that I truly believe in and I know exactly the right thing.

 

 

To Whom It May Concern:

 

Hello, I am a concerned citizen who is writing about the traffic in St. Louis, especially on Manchester Road.  I have noticed that in areas marked 40 miles per hour, people are only doing 30 miles per hour.  This is a pretty common occurrence.  As someone who abides by the actual speed limit, I find this Ludacris.  If I were to do 50 miles per hour, I would receive a ticket because I am endangering the lives of the other cars around me.  Who’s to say that the people doing 10 under are not doing the same?  I feel that they risk our lives more because people want to do the actual speed limit.  We have places to go and being stuck behind cars not doing the speed limit might make us panic and think we’re going to be late and therefor ride on their bumpers, causing road rage and other horrible traffic problems.  I feel if you’re going to ticket for 10 over, then you should ticket for 10 under.  Do the speed limit people.

 

Or I could send this…

 

To Whom It May Concern:

 

We have a serious problem on our hands.  The wonderful city of St. Louis is going downhill and I blame these people.  I blame the meter maids.  They have no hearts and no lenience.  I have heard and read so many atrotricous stories of how meter maids have been treating people.  I recently received a ticket for not lawfully being at curb.  Really!  That’s dumb.  I also heard of a situation where a woman was walking to her car and the meter maid was standing by her car.  The young girl ran and said she was there.  The meter maid snarled at her and handed her a ticket.  There are also many comments on the internet about how unfair our parking system is.  It’s not like we’re Chicago or New York, we need the visitors especially since you’re likely to be killed walking down the streets here.  If you want to attract more visitors and get our revenue back up, tell the meter maids to lighten up.  By them a freaking beer.  Because as long as there is crime and meter maids, we’re not going to have tourist.  Thank you.

 

 

I think I’m going to start a poll to decide which one to send.  Oh and Sheryl, since I didn’t hack into your husband’s business website I’ll need you to proof the winner/winners.  Thanks!

Day 129: Count Your Blessings

"In the great hubbub of life, we often forget to pause and consider how lucky we are.  Today assess this scientifically."

Day 128: Office Gossip Day. Blow This Up and Leave It On Your Office Copier

 

 

Done and done!  We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Day 127: Try A New Fruit Today

Day 126: Today Exercise Your Full Rights as a Consumer

Apparently I am legally entitled to buy a lot of prepackaged material by the unit.  I can buy one beer out of a six pack or two cookies our of a packet of 20.  What about five pistachios, a dollop of face cream, or one sock, and I am to experiment with a shopkeepers' knowledge of the law.  Easy peasy. 

Looks like someone is unaware of the law.


Don't worry, I acutally know her... she asked if my task for the day was to be a moron.

Day 120: Don't Spend Any Money Day

So I totally did not realize I skipped day 120.  This did work out in my favor since we're supposed to be tracking everything we buy for three days for my finance class. I want everyone in the class to think I'm fiscally responsible.  It's all about first impressions and who cares if it's a lie.  I know I am fat from being fiscally responsible, just ask discover, mastercard,  and visa (I'm to good for american express, according to them).  So I figured this task would be effortless.... I was wrong.  I open my email. 30% off at papa john's!  My half was cheese. My dad had beef and onion.  At least it was midday so I didn't fail too bad.  But then class got out a little late and somehow my car, who might actually be a relative of the knight rider car, drove itself, and I swear the car literally steered itself I had no control, into the mcdonald's drive thru.  I spent a total of $21.34 today. Maybe I just need a no eating crap day.

Day 125: For Once, Take Your Horoscope Seriously. To Help, We've Had This One Designed Scientifically, By the World's Leading Expert. Follow It To the Letter

I am a Leo.  I woke up this morning (still at my parents) and saw my dad sitting at his desk.  I proudly announced, mainly because us Leo’s are very proud people, we are lions after all, that today I am to be known as Frank.  For some reason my dad did not seem fazed by this.  I went to the bathroom and thought while doing number 1 (I know you have dirty minds and if I just said thinking on toilet you all would’ve thought of something else) that my father, too, is a leo.  I was happy to tell him that he too would be referred to as Frank.  This fazed him.  He gave me a look like I had just grown a nipple on the tip of my nose. 

 

But when I came back from work, where people had not a single thought about calling me Frank, I greeted him with a “hey, Frank.” And he responded back with, “hey, Frank.”  The only person to really question was Jean when I told her that fellow Leo Sheryl and I were to be referred to ask Frank today.  She was flipping out on the emails.  “What??????????????????” I think her ? mark button might be broken.

Side Story

I had my Capricorn friend follow her horoscope.  She said her boss just did it back to her. 

Day 124: Buy a Parrot and Train it to Say Some Unpalatable Truth That You Cannot Voice Yourself in Society

Day 123: Today Learn An Emergency First Aid Procedure

Are you feeling pain in your lower abdomen?  How about nausea?  Have any of that?  If so, and you also can't eat (not for Biggest Loser competitions or the cherry tomato diet) and are vomiting, then you've come to the right place.  After working at the chiropractic school for a little over 5 years, I feel that makes me 100% qualified to preform medical procedures.  On this day, I learned how to remove an appendicitis.  I tried to practice on Breck while I was visiting her this weekend, but she was not in the mood or not feeling those symptons, one or the other.  But she did allow me to practice on her dog.  She even gave me a butter knife.  But the blade was too sharp, so I just ended up taking out her fiance/ common law husband's tonsils instead.

Day 121 and Day 122: No TV Weekend

I actually did this one weekend before my intunement.  I figured since I was going down to Springfield to go shopping with Jenn, it was the perfect time not to watch TV.  It worked.  And luckily we went into shops that did not have any videos showing.

I'm Back!!!

I have taken a few months off, to get more intuned with myself.  What I discovered is... not much. 

Day 119: Go Through Today Without Using Your Sense of Hearing

I totally forgot to bring my ear plugs to work today.  It would've been nice so I wouldn't have to hear Goober make his stupid comments.  Talk about a major Goober. 

But I feel like I was vibrating high (for those of you who are aware of my new self help book) and this task actually worked out.  James would only talk to me when he was running the autoscrubber, making it impossible for me to hear him....Wait a minute?

Day 118

Day 117: Me Day

This was my favorite.  Since I know I am the center of the universe, I pretty much lived my day as normal.  Except I did cut people off, walking and driving.  I stared down the lady with the dog when I was running towards her.  Dammit, I'm a runner and she should get off of the sidewalk.  Yeah I opened my car door as someone was pulling into the empty spot next to me.  And yeah I stood there.  And of course I told the kids I wasn't going to play with them because I didn't feel like it.  It was a good day.

Day 116

For some reason work had a real problem when I tried to take my nap today.  Something about making sure I was able to watch the kids.  I don't get it.

Day 115: Today Use THis Exclusive Pass to Violate a Law of Your Choice

I didn't carry the pass around, but considering I already know I'm above the law, I didn't feel it was necessary.  So I sped, probably parked somewhere illegally, jaywalked, stared down a cop, and kicked a small animla.  Just kidding, I only imagined I kicked a small animal.

Day 114: Today Tatoo a Banana

Day 113: Today See A Movie That Begins With the Letter F

I have a feeling the book didn't think there would be anything playing that began with F since they said if you can't find one in your neighborhood, see one that begins with the letter Z.  Really? Z? I think the only movie to ever begin with the letter Z is Zoolander (cough cough, I think I got the black lung, Pop). 
So I look it up and there is a movie playing called 'For Greater Glory.'  I decide to go after work, but unfortunately after a stressful day I totally forgot!  I really hate myself right now.  I was really looking forward to a historical flick that last almost 2 1/2 hours, staring Eva Longoria.  I mean after watching however many seasons of Desperate Housewives, I know it will be easy to take her serious in a serious role.

Day 112: Today Trace Your Roots: Fill In Your Family Tree As Far Back As You Can

Day 111: It's All Good :)

After a night of crying and a few drunk dials, I rechecked my phone.  He had responded at 10:53 yesterday morning.  Treat em mean to keep 'em keen totally didn't work on this girl.

Day 111

I think I'm going to drown my sorrows in beer :(

Day 111: 6:12 pm

sigh.... still nothing

Day 111: Once Again Continued!!!

What the hell is going on!?!?!?!?!?!?!  I've gotten up and gone to the freaking zoo and I still have not heard from him!!!!  What is he doing?  Is he messing with my head?  I think he's playing mind games with me.  Oh my god, he wants nothing to do with me.  Why?  I'm hot, I'm funny.  Why does he not like me?  Calm down, I just need to calm down.  I'm sure he'll text me when I go to work.  After all a phone that you wait by never rings.  But...  No, not going to do this.

Day 111: Continue

Almost one and still nothing.  I wonder what's going on... I hope everything's okay.  Omg does he hate me?

Day 111: Continued

10:50... Still no response?

Day 111: Treat' Em Mean Keep 'Em Keen (I know you're wondering where day 109 and 110 are, don't worry)

I texted the Scorpio this morning at 9:48.  It is 10:05 and no response.  Luckily I wasn't keen to begin with.

Day 108: Graffti Day

Today I was supposed to graffiti something.  I was really excited.  I was originally going to go downtown and graffiti meter maids, but realized it might be a little bit difficult since they're constantly moving.  I wanted to tag Mary's car cause it's always fun to tag Mary's car, but I'm laying low at work (I've got a hit on me).  Maybe put a flower on Tim's car.  He'd hate it, but I'd find it funny.  But then I thought of the most unobtrusive thing to do...

Outside Michelle's house.  She texted me later that night, "Really?"

Day 106: But My Intentions Are Good

Today I was supposed to end every conversation with "but my intentions are good."  I did this on the original day when James and I were talking about lying to ourselves.  It seemed to fit in too well.  So I decided to redo it.  When Sheryl and I were talking about her trip to Florida, she responded "What?"  Michelle thought it was part of the convo because she just said "nice."  Courtney didn't bother to respond. 

Day 107: Globalization Day

Today surf internet chat rooms and make friends with someone on the other side of the world.

Internet chat rooms just do not have the same appeal as they did back in the day when 46 year old pedafiles pretending to be 13 year old girls.  I checked out a few the book recommended but some didn't even have chat rooms.  Thank god none were porn sites since I was doing this as work.  I figured why not multi task and chat it up while doing my favorite activity... filing. I finally ended up on delphi forums.  This site sucked.  All they asked was how old I was.  No one said anything until the dark lord of satan blah blah blah left the chat room and someone said they were glad they finally left.  I asked why and the response was lol.  I thought internet chatters were supposed to have some social skills.  Since no one was talking and filing is my favorite I began to focus on that.  Then I left to clean a restroom, complain about co workers, chat it up with James, I think I might've even eaten something.  Come back and remember that I'm chatting.  Jokes on me they kicked me off because I was not responding.  So no new friends for me :(

Day 106: To Be Postponed

Day 105: Today Lie to Someone About Your Past

Easy Peasy.  Lying is totally my forte.  Remember when I convinced Vanna that Mark grew crystals in homemade cave in his backyard and then there was the time, I almost had Breck and Jacob convinced my high school had Cannabolism Day. 

Today, a few people were shocked to discover that I experienced a traumatic situatin when my family decided to leave our Amish lifestyle for the new world.  It was weird going from long skirts to pants.  Funny thing, only one person looked at my skeptically. 

I might try this one again tomorrow.  The boys are working :)

Day 104: Various Relatives Day!

Today I am to send cards to my relatives. 

Suggested things to put in my card:  Dear Mother,  thank you for bringing me into this world and for your unconditional love (using). Dear Father, thank you for conceiving me (ew) and supporting me all those years.  Dear Grandad and Grandma, thank you for being in the background creating a sense of security throughout my childhood (hmm,  wonder if this applies since one lives in St. Joe, MO and the other three live in Heaven).  Dear Aunt, I don't know you much but thanks anyhow.  Dear Uncle, the bond between us is silent but strong (ew again).  Dear Cousin, let's get married and freak everyone out (I think my cousin's 4).  Dear Distant Relative, good luck with it all.

I'm only going to send them to my parents because they're the only ones who live in this of the state. I don't want to pay the extra postage. But come to think of it, I don't have any stamps. Luckily I'm going to my parents house so I'll just use theirs.  Or maybe I'll ask my dad to get me stamps for Relative's Day!!!

Here are the cards I picked out for them

I also got confetti to add in them. I mean, who doesn't love confetti!!!

Day 103: Cleanse Your Bowels Today

Day 102: Tax Freedom Day

Today I am supposed to write to the taxman for the injustice of having to work.  Apparently, after day 102 you have made enough money to pay for your taxes and kind finally work for yourself.  Doesn't bother me.  I enjoy my 3 jobs.  I got dinner on Saturday from a fancy place, I have a whole new collection of jewelry that the first graders make me.  And yesterday, I had a 17 year old boy tell me that in a few months he'll be 18 and we can totally hook up.  He's fixing my bike. 

Day 100: Conterfeiting Day

Once again I was not successful on this day...  I printed out my $8 bill and was planning on giving it to my father when I went to my parents house today.  But I was in such a rush to go to the mall that I forgot it on my printer.  Since I'm not seeing my dad until Wednesday, I guess I'll just move on to


Day 101: Today Become a Chocolate Junkie

This was easy considering my least favorite aunt, who has not visited me in almost 5 years, decided to pay a visit this weekend. I forgot how much junk I eat when she comes for her monthly visit.  Yesterday, I had a chocolate toffee cookie, piece of chocolate wedding cake, resisted from eating my boss's piece of chocolate wedding cake, and too many Hershey kisses to count.  Today I don't know how many brownies I ate, Dr. Pepper which is kind of chocolately, probably more cookies than brownies and of course a piece of apple pie.  I know that's not chocolate, but at that point in might as well have been.  Training tomorrow is going to be painful. 

Day 99: Once Again I'm Not Doing This

Day 98: No Swearing Day

I know I have been slacking, but I promise I am going to do my best to get back on track.  Life is hard.  It's the end of the semester and I have a 2 page paper due.  Please feel my pain. 

I was driving somewhere yesterday when I was inspired to restart from this day.  Why this day, you ask.  And that is a great question.  Becasuse when driving, America Fuck Yeah was playing on the radio.  As I'm sure most of you are smart enough to know, they cannot say fuck on the radio.  So instead of fuck, they were using the beep.  I thought it would be awesome to say things like you're a beephole or a beephead.  I did pretty well until once again I was driving and someone was riding on my bumper.  Once again I began screaming, "get off my beeping, beep!"  Only no beeps.  Irony of this, that person was my boss.  I still have a job so I guess she didn't hear me. 

Day 100: Conterfitting Day

I tried, boy did I try.  It didn't work.  I was going to try it on James but he saw this before I could crumble it up.  I still tried on him and all he did was take an actual $5 from my purse.  It didn't even hit me when he asked for change for a 5 to try to give him this. 

He did suggest that Mike would fall for it since Mike is gullible.  He almost did, but thought the coloring was slightly off.  When he opened it he knew.  But he did tell me Jehovah Witnesses, will take a $20 and fold it and lay it on the ground.  When you open it the Ten Commandments and some other religious thing are written on it.  I might try this some day.

Day 99: I Am Not Doing This!!!

Day 98: No Swearing Day

I did not realize how much I cuss.  I thought I didn't at all.  I work with impressionable minds!  I totally understood when I hit my head on the door that I was justified in yelling out the F word. And I was also justified when that high school kid was riding my bumper. I had every right to scream at her to get off my ass.  I was also justified in calling Vanna a biatch, which I do not fully believe is a cuss word.  And when I got drunk that night I have no control what comes out of my mouth.  Knowing me, I probably didn't cuss.

But I know I did not cuss when I was complaing about that asshole meter punk who gave me a freaking ticket!  I hate f***ing meter maids!

Day 92 Update Update

As I had promised earlier...

She finally responds last night (my computer was already dead, so that's why I didn't update you earlier.  I'm sorry to those who lost sleep worrying about what was going to happen).

Unacceptable

I like how my lawyer is dictating to me what is acceptable and not when it comes to my life.  I should really consider getting a new lawyer.  Because of these thoughts I simply reminded her  that it was acceptable by responding

Acceptable

Her response

No.  I'm out drinking....  They are trying to make me eat jumbo slice.  Big gross pizza.  Ew.  I'm opening it in the morning

I just love how professional she is.  The she goes on talking about a party bus, but those messages are private :).  Then says

Seriously, can I open the envelope or not?

I know what you're thinking, but no, she did not go to law school in the Dominican Republic. 

Not until I die!

I had to remind her again.  It obviously didn't work with this young professional  because she responds

Waaaah I'm very torn.  I really really want to open it.

I tried to reassure the crying girl by responding

[my third grader] says I'll be dead in 36

She did not repsond to that.  I thought that that had done the trick.  That the girl was reassured and would not open the letter until she is instructed to do so.  Finally got her professional lawyerism going, but then when I left work at 9 am this morning (long day) I had a message from her.  She had disobeyed the one rule she had and opened it

If you could amend your will,  I would rather have your giant hoard of public hair.

Day 92 Update

As you may recall, on Day 92, I was to fill out my will and send it to my lawyer with the request that they do not open it before my death.  My lawyer received my will at some point because when I was dutifully paying attention in my research course this evening, I received a text from her say:

So do I really have to wait until you die to open the envelope or are you trying to kill me with curiosity.

So professional she is

I reinformed her to wait until I die by simply replying

Wait until I die :)

As with all lawyers, her impatients grew as she responded (yes, I am still in class desperately trying to learn)

Do I HAVE to??

And I thought lawyers were a smart profession. 

Am I dead?

I simply responded.  She decides to get snippy and says

Are you texting me???  Can I PLEASE open it??

Aren't lawyers supposed to show some kind of patience. I mean seriously, what is another 50 or so years.  But I did have a third grader (age 9) tell me the other day, that I would be dead by the time she's able to run for president.  So if that kid's right, that's like 36 years.

I responded

Yes  I/m texting you and I'm not dead.

Obviously not good with instruction, she replies

I'm gonna open it...

For those of you who don't speak lawyer, 'gonna' is lawyer slang for going .

I warned her saying

Be warned.

Just like a true lawyer, paranoia set in.

Is it anthrax? if you're dead, I should be, too, is that the idea?

I like that thought.  I might send her an envelope of powder sugar just to see what happens.

She later informs me she is not at home and may not be able to hold out for another day saying

Lol, luckily for you I wasn't at home...  I may not be able to hold out for another day.

And to think she gets paid the big bucks.  Once again I reminded her

You have to hold out til I die

And just like a man, no response.   But don't worry, I have a feeling this is not over.  I will keep you posted.

Day 97: In Da House: Today Rap!

I have a lot more respect for rappers. Those grill things are a lot harder to keep in your mouth than you would think.

Day 96: Stockpile As Much Free Sugar As Possible In One Day

I'm doing this Friday.  As expected, the only places I went today were work and my parents house.  No free sugar at any of those.  If my parents would've had sugar I probabl would've died of a heart attack since they never have any food at their place.  I know this will be easier Friday because I have Friday out to lunch and I'm having drinks in Soulard with Courtney that night.  Perfect.  She'll find me slightly bizarre.

Day 95: How to Recognize the Aliens Among Us

Day 93: Humility Day & Day 94: Today Avoid All Sources of Electromagnetic Energy

I decided to write Day 93 on Day 94, but then saw I had to avoid electromagnetic sources and was afraid a computer was one.  Humily day, very hard.  It's hard to go a whole day without talking about myself or how great I am.  And to be honest since I was drunk for part of the day, I'm not sure if I did.  As for staying away from electromagnetic stuff, I did good.  I did talk on the phone a little and sent at least five text, but otherwise, I stayed in bed for the majority of the day.  Easy peasy.

Day 92: Write Your Will

My dad was scanning to see what he got.  Luckily he got bored before he got to mother because I'm not sure what his reaction would be if he saw Giant Dildo.  Now I just have to send to my lawyer as per instructed to do so.  Lawyer, please do not open until I die.  Thank you

Day 91: Today Invent a New Way of Peeling Potatoes

Maybe if I just soak it in the water?

Day 90: Today Collapse a Currency

Yeah right.  Like this will actually work.  I'm not doing this.  You have to make a long distance call to collapse the currency of Bangladesh.  Why am I going to make a long distance call to collapse a currency which may or may not exist in a city in India. 

Day 89: Primal Scream

I found out today that I actually cannot scream.  At first I thought it was some sort of mental block but was fascinated to find out this is common.  I also found out, when googling this, that you can't own a Canadian.  Try it.  Put into Google "Why can't I"  and it pops up.  Coolest thing ever.  And what's even cooler, is the fact that I own a Canadian.  Bake Nii brownies and he'll do what I say.  I better see you first weekend in August.  They'll probably be cake.

For those of you interested, here is my attempt at screaming.

And yes I know that's more of a growl.

Day 88: Today Measure Your Biceps

12 inches.  Just like I like my men, if you know what I mean....

Day 87: Tonight Send a Message in Morse From Your Window and See If Anyone Responds

Even better, I took a flashlight to Michelle's window and practiced my Morse Code.  It didn't take long for her to yell, "JENN!!!" and come running outside.  Something I learned from this... never wait until the person is just out of the shower to practice anything with a flashlight.

Day 86: Today Spend Time on the Wrong Side of the Tracks

Day 85: Today Release a Red Balloon

Day 84: Today Throw Away an Apple Core in the Park. Mark the Spot Well, and Come Back in 20 Years Time to See Your Apple Tree.

Why go to the park?  In 20 years time my brain is going to be so fried from teenage people's nonsense that I'm not even going to know what a park is.  So I decided to throw my apple core (I was really greatful for that apple) in my dad's backyard.  I hope he likes his father's day gift in 20 years.

Day 83

Day 82: Sit in the Lotus Position for 30 Minutes Today

I am a pansy by Jenn R.

I am a pansy.
Oh yes I am
I am a pansy
Because I didn't think I can
My ankle started throbbing
And I felt like it was robbing
All the blood that I had
This was making me sad
I decided enough
Because I am not tough
And quit after pence
and a ten.

My ankle hurt.  I quit after ten minutes.  But I did feel relaxed while doing it.  Oh well.

Day 81: Celebrate Nature Today

Day 80: Today Start to Eat a Piece of Furniture

What is needed: a piece of wooden furniture and a nail file.  I'm supposed to shave off a small amount of wood from the furniture and sprinkle on my lunch. 

I actually might start this tomorrow.  I just need a nail file and some wooden furniture.  My dad was throwing away aluminum chairs today, but told me they were rusty and and i probably don't want to eat that.  I did just replace the table I made with a new one or, hey, Sheryl, what did you do with your old kitchen furniture!

My Hobby

I have over 8 hours of taped birds.  Song making is about to start!

Day 79: Become an Expert on Today

Weather in Zambia today

63°  with fair weather

Number of wars in progress today

That Afghan one, possibly one in Syria, Africa is always fighting, and the Hunger Games.  So at least 4

World population today

6984895594

Result of main sporting event today

I was able to see KU (boo!) knock out UNC today, or at least the last 5 minutes of the game

First topic on Jerry Springer today

Shame it’s a Sunday and he’s not on.  But I would assume someone cheating with a sibling that is going to end in people throwing chairs and fighting.

Middle East oil reserves today

I found something about 66%

Number of astronauts in space today

Three Russians, two Americans and a Dutch astronaut

Lottery results in Colorado today

(from yesterday)   11   14  17   23   34   40

Percentage of faked orgasms today

None here, I sent him home

Time spent waiting for phones to be picked up

Depends on who’s answering and also who’s calling.  Which reminds me, I forgot to call Christine back.  Oops!

Moon- Earth distance at midday

251936 miles

Horoscope of Leos with Scorpio ascendants

The ascendant, or rising sign, is the zodiacal sign and degree that was ascending on the eastern horizon at the specific time and location of an event. According to astrological theory, celestial phenomena reflect or determine human activity on the principle of 'as above so below'. Thus astrologers believe that the ascendant signifies a person's awakening consciousness, in the same way that the Sun's appearance on the eastern horizon signifies the dawn of a new day.

Couldn’t find a horoscope for this, but my guess being a Leo dealing with a Scorpio and who has dealt with a Scorpio.  The Leo will become a nut.

Number of birthdays worldwide

Roughly 859,178

Now I am supposed to get business cards made, seeing as how I am an expert on everything today and hand them out.

Day 78

Looks like I'm okay!

My Design

Day 77:Today Design Your Own Logo

I had my markers sitting out at work today and one of the girls asked if she could color.  I told her I need a logo designed with my initials (JER)  and asked if she would do that.  Even though I told her I think that it's dumb to have the last name in the middle, even though it is the largest letter, she still did it anyway.  I also told her I wanted a smiley face coming out of it.  This is what she drew:

Ignore the black marks on top, that's when Johnny said that he had a logo for me.  Imagine what was on the page when he finished saying that.



Because this was not his complete picture.

Sorry we are a day off.  I was unable to fuction yesterday, seeing as how I was tending to a massive hangover.

Day 76: Wear Shoes That are One Size too Small. That Way You Will Experience Huge Relief When You Come Home and Take Them Off Tonight

This is actually what they looked like when I was done.  No, joke.  But it really didn't feel that uncomfortable wearing a pair of size 8 (like a freak, I wear a 8.5 on one foot and 9 on the other) and I especially didn't feel it when I was out getting wasted :)

Day 75: Today Every Book Owner is to Reserve a Table at Gino's (Baton Rouge) for Eight O'Clock on the 4th of July Next Year

Anyone interested in going to Louisiana next year?  The food is supposed to be good.  I even looked them up on line 4.5 stars, that's got to say something. 

In honor of this task, I decided to have some four star St. Louis Italian today.  I had a delicious basil penne pasta and bread sticks from one of the best known St. Louis eateries.  It was delicious.  Well worth the $9.

For those of you interested, especially the out of town people, Breck (cause you're coming into town the first weekend in August), here is the address:

Fazoli's (2.9 miles)
6456 Chippewa St.
St. Louis, MO 63109
(314) 352-5833
Catering Delivery
Oh!  They cater!!!  Emily???

My Hobby

I tried to record the birds singing this morning.  My new phone (shot out to Sheryl) has a voice recorder on it.  When they woke me up this morning, I turned it on, but I didn't hit all the right buttons and it did not save may birds.  boo :(

Day 74: Today Express Your Views

I spent the days trying to figure out what my views are.  Usually when I tell people what I believe they think I'm nuts.  For instance, when I tell people the movie Terminator is actually based on a true story they look at me like I'm crazy, even though it is unfolding right before our eyes.  I mean, I totally almost made this post on my new phone (shot out to Sheryl!).  My belief and hopefully yours too, is that someone from the future teleported to our time to warn us of what's about to happen.  The machines are taking over.  And it's true.  I actually only watched one Terminator and I don't plan on watching any others. 

I also believe that practice makes perfect... but more on that to come.

Day 73

Day 72: Closure Day

Today is Closure Day.  We all form a strong attachment to our first toy.  Today, call up your kindergarten and ask them if they've found your rattle.  Explain that you lost it a good few years ago now, but only recoved the memory of this last week.  Emphasize how important it is to your psychological health that they find it.

Too bad this fell on a Saturday and my kindergarten was closed.  Rats!

Day 71: Take Our Test and Find Out if You're a Psychopath

Do you possess these traits?

0 for NOT AT ALL

1 for SOMETIMES

4 for ALL THE TIME

1.  Glibness/ superficial charm  

2.  Grandoise sense of self worth  

3.  tendency to boredom/ need for stimulation 

4.  pathological lying

5.  cunning/ manipulative behavior

6.  Lack of remorse 

7.  Shallow Affect (monotone voice, blank expression) 

8.  Lack of empathy

9.  Parasitic lifestyle

10.  Poor behavioral Control 

11.  Promiscuous sexual behavior 

12.  behavioral problems in early life 

13.  Lack of realistic long term plans 

14.  Impulsiveness 

15.  Irresponsible behavior 

16.  Failure to accept the consequences of actions 

17.  Many marital relationships 

18.  Juvenile delinquency

19.  Callousness 

20.  Criminal Versatility 

For more reliable results I had a friend fill it out (as recommended by the book).  Actually, I had three friends and a stranger fill them out.  I liked the strangers results.  He put mainly zeros, but changed irresponsible behavior from zero to one when I pointed out where I had my drunk driving accident.  Whatever!  It was one time.  When I average the results from everyone, I mainly had 2s.  Since 2 is closer to 1 than 4, I guess I'm not a psychopath.  Which was confirmed when the drunk guy called me normal (first time I've ever been called that.  He's my new BFF)