Day 150

Yeah right.  Do you know how long it takes to get my hair done after it's wet.  Exactly.  The only time I spent in water today was.... in the shower.... in a shower cap.

Day 149: Today Help Resolve an Intractable Global Geopolitical Crisis!

Some bright spark out there must be able to come up with an answer to the world's various problems.  Could it be you?  Put your mind to it for a couple of minutes.  Redraw maps using colored crayons and explain your plan in no more than 80 words.  Send to Secretary General.

Day 148: Leave a Note on Someone's Car Windshield

I had the perfect victim for this.  The tech guy at work's car seems to constantly get hit by the students at work.  I wanted him to be my victim.  However, he was sick, then I forgot the note.  But I think it worked out perfectly because today was the first day of school.  So this is what someone left on his car...

Tomorrow I think I'll leave this...

I love being back at work.

Happy New Year: Change Someone's Mind Today

Considering I spent the entire weekend trying to convince my friends that you can use the analogy of

                                               vagina:baby::a can of peas:a can of corn

For instance, you have a vagina (can of peas) and everytime you have sex it stretches (gets dents in it).  When you have a baby (can of corn... imagine trying to stick a can of corn through a can of peas), you get a mushy vagina.  It took 2 days to convince my friends of this!!!


Also, Erin met 2011 Jenn on New Years.  So she's probably changed her mind about me.



Day 146: Famous Last Words: Prepare Yours Ahead of Time

I want to leave this world with something profound.  Something like "Don't be afraid to do something stupid, you grow from the embarassment."  But this is how I actually see my death:

I am laying nestled in Michelle's arms and she softly cries over me.  Her sobs are slow as she is trying to hide them.  She wants to be strong, but it is just too hard.  I feel the warmth coming from her and remember when I felt warmth.  I slowly lift my weak head and stare into her blue (?) eyes.  I muster the breath and say, "I raged, bro."

Day 145: Start An Urban Legend And See How Far It Goes

New medical condition:  spastic vagina

Treatment:  Have someone rub feathers on your vagina while you sleep

Now I just wait for it to explode!

Day 142: Senseless Day- Taste

Totally noticed I skipped this day. Oops.

So a day without using the sense of taste.  I thought it would be easy since I'm supposed to be sleeping in a car to St. Joe right now, but that got cancelled last minute.  I decided to eat minimal today (hard for a hungry girl).  So I had a bowl full of homemade pseudo rice krispie treats (when reading a recipe read the whole recipe.  Someone forgot the marshmallows) and a cheeseburger from Wendy's.  I tasted them but I'm pretending not to.  Now off to drink Rumchatta with Erin!

Day 143: Distibute Friendship Coupond

I realized the other day that I should be finishing up in a few days and I am no where near done. It kind of reminds me of that thesis I was supposed to have done in Decemeber.  I figured it's one or the other.  So blogging I chose. 

One thing has changed however.  I cut my hair.  No one has seemed to notice, but since I did it myself I am quite proud.

So today I was supposed to hand out friendship coupons.  Considering it's the day after Christmas I'm not seeing anyone but Michelle, so I decided to text a few instead.

I sent Sheryl

 

 

because she hates to be hugged.  In fact, she hates to be touched.  Don't worry, Sheryl,  I will be cashing in on this one.

 

 

 

 

Went to Emily.  Emily, here's your advice:  In less than a week it will be 2013, meaning 2007 was 6 years ago.  Hopefully you know what I'm getting at and welcome to the digital age.

 

I figured this

 

 

 

 

was good for Jessica since she's about to pop out her 7th child.  But Jessica refuses to give me her phone number so I sent it to her husband instead.  "U r going to take her on a drunken binge?" I responded with "duh."  and then sent him this:

 

 







Day 141: Today Build a Nest and See if a Bird Comes...

Building a nest takes forever!!!! I will post on this if I ever finish!

Day 140: Jam the Line

So a few days ago J I was supposed to jam the line of the Ku Klux Klan.  I realized tonight that I always stop blogging when I get to a task that I don’t want to do.  I don’t want to do this.  It’s scary and stupid.  What if they find me and try to kill me?  My parents are Catholic afterall.

Day 139: Bleed

So I was supposed to bleed in the book a week ago.  I have been hoping to bleed on my own because the whole thought of doing danger to myself makes me ill.  I am too pretty to cause actual harm to me.  I did ask my boss to stab me and she said yes, but has yet to deliver.  James whipped out a pocket knife the other day and I asked him to stab me.  He just looked at me like I was nuts.  I thought he would’ve jumped at the chance, but he did not.  So I asked him to cut the tumor off my leg.  He informed me it was an ingrown hair and he was not using his knife on my nonsense.  If I bleed, you will see it.

 

Next day (was in class when I wrote this, had to actually pretend to do something):  of course I bleed, a lot, when I can’t find the book. 

Day 138: Today Learn a New Know

Just in case anyone wants to know what nightmares other cheeses cause

Day 137: Does Cheese Really Give You Nightmares?

Day 137

Today's task is an overnight task.  Please do not be alarmed that this is the only post today.

Day 136: Invent a New Color

Today, dream up a new color of your own, and contact your lawyers.

I did.  This is what they sent back:

US PATENT

 

This patent is hereby issued to Jennifer Rohrer on this day, fourth of September in the year two-thousand and twelve for her ingenious creation of “Razzle Dazzle Super Frazzle Green.”  The United States of America and the entire scientific community appreciates the contribution of this creation to the lexicon of knowledge..[1]

---

[1] This document in no way imparts any rights, responsibilities or privileges to the above individual or the United States Government and is intended for entertainment purposes only.

 

Don't worry, I did inform my "lawyer" that this is not a proper patent.

Day 135: Continued

I went to my parents house to tell them I love them.  I brought them a cake and a balloon and each a bag of peanut M&M's, cause I always eat their peanut M&M's.

Just Realized, This Is Day 135: Today Make Sure Your Parents Know You Love Them

I called my parents today to tell them I loved them.  They never called me back.  I'll bring them a cake tomorrow.  And besides, I saw those bums yesterday.

Day 133: Subtext Day.

Today read between the lines as people talk to you.

A few book examples (because I know you all love the book examples)...

Hi!
Shit!

How are?
Who are you?

I'm very well thanks, very well indeed.
Ask me how my career's going.

Fine, yeah, they made me account director actually.
Yes yes yes! I'm better than you.

Here's my number
Here's the number of a dry cleaner in New Jersey.

See you soon!
Drop dead.


So... I learned when my dad says, "Oh, I'm so glad you stopped by."  What he really means is "Didn't we just get rid of you?"

My mom saying, "Sure you can work on your bed in our basement," is actually "You're keeping me up sawing when you have a freakin' place of your own.  Go home."

They must think on the same wavelength cause when Dad says, "make this your last cut." Meaning, "I'm sick of holding this stupid piece of wood.  Why did you not invest in proper clamps.  My wife is trying to sleep.  I'll pretend to be considerate."

Other things I read were...

Sure you can have a Magnum Bar
Aren't you in a fat bet cause that's going straight to your ass.

I'm ready to come home
I'm ready to come home, but please don't move into my basement.

Mark doesn't have any pallets.
Why does she keep asking ME where to get stuff.  Doesn't she have a lot of free time on her hands.  Afterall, she has time for a blog (I read that through a text message).

You're like a sister to me so, I'm going to interrogate whoever you're dating.
You are really good at dating idiots or you have an excellent picker.

And when Courtney says "you're smelly and stupid."  She means, "take a bath and you're stupid." No subtext with that one!