The book was nice enough to give me guidelines for this, so I figured why not follow them.
8:oo am: During rush hour, try to brush up gently against someone in public transport. This is just to get yourself used to the idea of same- sex contact. Do not push this too far as technically it is known as frottage and could get you arrested.
Since I don’t take public transport and I don’t work until 3:oo pm. I’m going to go to the store. I need to buy liquor anyway. I get up and put on my plaid shirt and begin to explore my homosexuality. I begin at the grocery store. It’s the perfect place to pick someone up. Unfortunately, I did not pick someone up. I looked around for someone attractive, which was surprisingly hard. All the hot ones had babies and I’m not ready to be someone’s parent. I’d figured we’d adopt in 2 years. Finally, I found a 5 ½ and decided she’ll do, after all she did have that ½. But she wasn’t having it and did some funny move and I ended up knocking over a small attachable shelf containing pill cases. Considering it was the only thing I picked up at the grocery store, I decided it was time to leave.
So, I head over to the coffee shop across the street. According to TV, lesbians always hang out at the coffee shops. Surprisingly, it’s mainly men. There is a girl about my age ordering food. I decide to employ (big word) what I learned on day 2 and day 14 and tell her I liked her hat while looking soulfully into her eyes, wondering if she could be the one. I almost got her number but then my order was ready and she walked away.
11:oo am: The office coffee machine is the ideal casual flirting situation. Wait for the object of your affection to help themselves to a coffee before bumping into them. Their beverage will spill over them, providing you with the perfect opportunity to caress their chest with a kitchen towel.
This would’ve been perfect if I was going into my other job (I can’t do this at the job I’m going to today since I’ll be spending the day with high school kids and I’m too pretty for jail). It would’ve been perfect, not only because the coffee there is a lot better than what I had, but because when I was moonlighting as a fulltime employee (or just moonlighting as an employee, as the president of the college says), Sheryl and I would take daily coffee breaks and after all, she was the first person I gave the sex eye to.
1:oo pm: Because of social conventions, it is much easier to find a gay mate if you are officially on the lookout. Use your lunch hour to compose a carefully worded all staff email in which you come out of the closet. (You will always be able to claim it was a misunderstanding tomorrow).
I hate that all staff emails need to be approved before we send them cause I have a really strong feeling (I’m learning to listen to my instincts) that this is not going to be approved. Which I guess is okay since all the hot ones (especially Jean) are either married or annoying. I figured I’d do the next best thing and announce on Facebook “I’m out of the closet.
The response was amazing. I even had one guy text me and say “I think someone may have messed with your facebook lol… Unless u really did come out.”
3:oo pm: By now you should have had plenty of responses to your flirting overtures, but you also need to start planning your evening. Ring a close same gender friend and say you have something important to tell them. Arrange to meet in a romantic bar or restaurant. Candlelight is best.
I hate snow and ice! I’m not able to have my romantic evening until tomorrow!
5:oo pm: The end of the office day. As tomorrow you will be able to explain everything, why not turn up the heat a little by squeezing someone’s bottom playfully on your way out. (If possible pick someone with a sense of humor).
8:oo pm: By now your date should be going well. After a few drinks, some inadvertent touching and a lot of eye contact, you will have told your close friend that you think that your relationship could be taken to the next level. They may act unconvinced at first, even play “hard to get” so don’t be shy of forcing them to deal with their feelings by grabbing their hand or even French kissing them.
I just finished preparing for tonight. My friend, Becky, is coming over early on pretenses of prepartying. But I am actually going to use this opportunity to tell her that we should take are relationship to the next level. I have candles set up in my apartment for mood lighting (thank God for Party Lite!), I have a $3 bottle of wine chilling in the fridge, ready to pour just seconds before she arrives. I am wishing I still had Netflix so I can have a romantic fire going on the TV. Christina Perri’s Arms is set up and ready to play upon entrance. And just to make the gesture romantic, I have a single rose waiting for me to give to her. Who says romance is dead.
