Day 100: Conterfeiting Day

Once again I was not successful on this day...  I printed out my $8 bill and was planning on giving it to my father when I went to my parents house today.  But I was in such a rush to go to the mall that I forgot it on my printer.  Since I'm not seeing my dad until Wednesday, I guess I'll just move on to


Day 101: Today Become a Chocolate Junkie

This was easy considering my least favorite aunt, who has not visited me in almost 5 years, decided to pay a visit this weekend. I forgot how much junk I eat when she comes for her monthly visit.  Yesterday, I had a chocolate toffee cookie, piece of chocolate wedding cake, resisted from eating my boss's piece of chocolate wedding cake, and too many Hershey kisses to count.  Today I don't know how many brownies I ate, Dr. Pepper which is kind of chocolately, probably more cookies than brownies and of course a piece of apple pie.  I know that's not chocolate, but at that point in might as well have been.  Training tomorrow is going to be painful. 

Day 99: Once Again I'm Not Doing This

Day 98: No Swearing Day

I know I have been slacking, but I promise I am going to do my best to get back on track.  Life is hard.  It's the end of the semester and I have a 2 page paper due.  Please feel my pain. 

I was driving somewhere yesterday when I was inspired to restart from this day.  Why this day, you ask.  And that is a great question.  Becasuse when driving, America Fuck Yeah was playing on the radio.  As I'm sure most of you are smart enough to know, they cannot say fuck on the radio.  So instead of fuck, they were using the beep.  I thought it would be awesome to say things like you're a beephole or a beephead.  I did pretty well until once again I was driving and someone was riding on my bumper.  Once again I began screaming, "get off my beeping, beep!"  Only no beeps.  Irony of this, that person was my boss.  I still have a job so I guess she didn't hear me. 

Day 100: Conterfitting Day

I tried, boy did I try.  It didn't work.  I was going to try it on James but he saw this before I could crumble it up.  I still tried on him and all he did was take an actual $5 from my purse.  It didn't even hit me when he asked for change for a 5 to try to give him this. 

He did suggest that Mike would fall for it since Mike is gullible.  He almost did, but thought the coloring was slightly off.  When he opened it he knew.  But he did tell me Jehovah Witnesses, will take a $20 and fold it and lay it on the ground.  When you open it the Ten Commandments and some other religious thing are written on it.  I might try this some day.

Day 99: I Am Not Doing This!!!

Day 98: No Swearing Day

I did not realize how much I cuss.  I thought I didn't at all.  I work with impressionable minds!  I totally understood when I hit my head on the door that I was justified in yelling out the F word. And I was also justified when that high school kid was riding my bumper. I had every right to scream at her to get off my ass.  I was also justified in calling Vanna a biatch, which I do not fully believe is a cuss word.  And when I got drunk that night I have no control what comes out of my mouth.  Knowing me, I probably didn't cuss.

But I know I did not cuss when I was complaing about that asshole meter punk who gave me a freaking ticket!  I hate f***ing meter maids!

Day 92 Update Update

As I had promised earlier...

She finally responds last night (my computer was already dead, so that's why I didn't update you earlier.  I'm sorry to those who lost sleep worrying about what was going to happen).

Unacceptable

I like how my lawyer is dictating to me what is acceptable and not when it comes to my life.  I should really consider getting a new lawyer.  Because of these thoughts I simply reminded her  that it was acceptable by responding

Acceptable

Her response

No.  I'm out drinking....  They are trying to make me eat jumbo slice.  Big gross pizza.  Ew.  I'm opening it in the morning

I just love how professional she is.  The she goes on talking about a party bus, but those messages are private :).  Then says

Seriously, can I open the envelope or not?

I know what you're thinking, but no, she did not go to law school in the Dominican Republic. 

Not until I die!

I had to remind her again.  It obviously didn't work with this young professional  because she responds

Waaaah I'm very torn.  I really really want to open it.

I tried to reassure the crying girl by responding

[my third grader] says I'll be dead in 36

She did not repsond to that.  I thought that that had done the trick.  That the girl was reassured and would not open the letter until she is instructed to do so.  Finally got her professional lawyerism going, but then when I left work at 9 am this morning (long day) I had a message from her.  She had disobeyed the one rule she had and opened it

If you could amend your will,  I would rather have your giant hoard of public hair.

Day 92 Update

As you may recall, on Day 92, I was to fill out my will and send it to my lawyer with the request that they do not open it before my death.  My lawyer received my will at some point because when I was dutifully paying attention in my research course this evening, I received a text from her say:

So do I really have to wait until you die to open the envelope or are you trying to kill me with curiosity.

So professional she is

I reinformed her to wait until I die by simply replying

Wait until I die :)

As with all lawyers, her impatients grew as she responded (yes, I am still in class desperately trying to learn)

Do I HAVE to??

And I thought lawyers were a smart profession. 

Am I dead?

I simply responded.  She decides to get snippy and says

Are you texting me???  Can I PLEASE open it??

Aren't lawyers supposed to show some kind of patience. I mean seriously, what is another 50 or so years.  But I did have a third grader (age 9) tell me the other day, that I would be dead by the time she's able to run for president.  So if that kid's right, that's like 36 years.

I responded

Yes  I/m texting you and I'm not dead.

Obviously not good with instruction, she replies

I'm gonna open it...

For those of you who don't speak lawyer, 'gonna' is lawyer slang for going .

I warned her saying

Be warned.

Just like a true lawyer, paranoia set in.

Is it anthrax? if you're dead, I should be, too, is that the idea?

I like that thought.  I might send her an envelope of powder sugar just to see what happens.

She later informs me she is not at home and may not be able to hold out for another day saying

Lol, luckily for you I wasn't at home...  I may not be able to hold out for another day.

And to think she gets paid the big bucks.  Once again I reminded her

You have to hold out til I die

And just like a man, no response.   But don't worry, I have a feeling this is not over.  I will keep you posted.

Day 97: In Da House: Today Rap!

I have a lot more respect for rappers. Those grill things are a lot harder to keep in your mouth than you would think.

Day 96: Stockpile As Much Free Sugar As Possible In One Day

I'm doing this Friday.  As expected, the only places I went today were work and my parents house.  No free sugar at any of those.  If my parents would've had sugar I probabl would've died of a heart attack since they never have any food at their place.  I know this will be easier Friday because I have Friday out to lunch and I'm having drinks in Soulard with Courtney that night.  Perfect.  She'll find me slightly bizarre.

Day 95: How to Recognize the Aliens Among Us

Day 93: Humility Day & Day 94: Today Avoid All Sources of Electromagnetic Energy

I decided to write Day 93 on Day 94, but then saw I had to avoid electromagnetic sources and was afraid a computer was one.  Humily day, very hard.  It's hard to go a whole day without talking about myself or how great I am.  And to be honest since I was drunk for part of the day, I'm not sure if I did.  As for staying away from electromagnetic stuff, I did good.  I did talk on the phone a little and sent at least five text, but otherwise, I stayed in bed for the majority of the day.  Easy peasy.

Day 92: Write Your Will

My dad was scanning to see what he got.  Luckily he got bored before he got to mother because I'm not sure what his reaction would be if he saw Giant Dildo.  Now I just have to send to my lawyer as per instructed to do so.  Lawyer, please do not open until I die.  Thank you

Day 91: Today Invent a New Way of Peeling Potatoes

Maybe if I just soak it in the water?

Day 90: Today Collapse a Currency

Yeah right.  Like this will actually work.  I'm not doing this.  You have to make a long distance call to collapse the currency of Bangladesh.  Why am I going to make a long distance call to collapse a currency which may or may not exist in a city in India. 

Day 89: Primal Scream

I found out today that I actually cannot scream.  At first I thought it was some sort of mental block but was fascinated to find out this is common.  I also found out, when googling this, that you can't own a Canadian.  Try it.  Put into Google "Why can't I"  and it pops up.  Coolest thing ever.  And what's even cooler, is the fact that I own a Canadian.  Bake Nii brownies and he'll do what I say.  I better see you first weekend in August.  They'll probably be cake.

For those of you interested, here is my attempt at screaming.

And yes I know that's more of a growl.

Day 88: Today Measure Your Biceps

12 inches.  Just like I like my men, if you know what I mean....

Day 87: Tonight Send a Message in Morse From Your Window and See If Anyone Responds

Even better, I took a flashlight to Michelle's window and practiced my Morse Code.  It didn't take long for her to yell, "JENN!!!" and come running outside.  Something I learned from this... never wait until the person is just out of the shower to practice anything with a flashlight.

Day 86: Today Spend Time on the Wrong Side of the Tracks

Day 85: Today Release a Red Balloon